People keep talking about the “Credit Crunch”. “Credit Crunch” this, “Credit Crunch” that, “I got well Credit-Crunched last night”, “You look Credit Crunchalicious in that waistcoat”, and so forth. Initially I assumed it was a brand of muesli, and I resolved to try it at first opportunity, because I’ve long suspected my diet may not be sufficiently fibrous.
Well, the joke was on me when I made my enquiries in the cereal aisle of my local Marks & Sparks. Since I’m among friends here, I don’t mind telling you that they told me to “Credit Crunch off”. Which left me none the wiser, and still somewhat intestinally-congested, to boot.
So I’ve decided not to worry about whatever the “Credit Crunch” may be. Frankly, I’ve got bigger problems on my plate, like how I’m going to make the rent on the Mayfair flat I leased on the strength of my Lehman Brothers’ signing bonus.
And there’s another thing that’s been worrying me sick. What is a “quantum of solace”, please?
The Quantum of Solace is the title of the new James Bond film. Much like the “Credit Crunch”, everyone around me seems to understand its meaning via some kind of collective cultural osmosis from which I am inexplicably excluded. “Ah yes, the quantum of solace,” they’ll say, nodding wisely, if you bring it up. “Yes, I had one yesterday. Picked it up while I was out Credit Crunching.”
I looked up “quantum” in the dictionary. It says it means either something infinitesimally small, or something ginormously big. So if someone offered to sell you a quantum of Credit Crunch for two squid, you’d be in terrible trouble, wouldn’t you? Because you wouldn’t know if you’d be getting a warehouse full, or just a little crumb, see? What a conundrum!
Also, if your partner tells you they have “a quantum of love” for you, you’d either have to dump them on the spot or ask them to marry you right then and there. Bit of a gamble, all things considered. You’d be better off just pretending not to hear and whistling a little tune, like I do when people mention the Credit Crunch.
It’s all very troubling, isn’t it? Life, I mean. Modern Society. It just makes me want to crawl into bed and pull my blankie over my head. That’s my idea of a quantum of solace. Which may mean that I find myself very comforted indeed, or hardly at all.
Credit Crunch on that.
Thursday, 2 October 2008
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